|Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.||
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
The sun is high in sky above, and the birds are singing in the trees. Joyce and Alan have found the perfect spot on a hill for their picnic. They sit on the rug in the sun, with a view of the countryside for miles around.
After half an hour Alan decides the time has come to ask the question he's been practising all day. He looks for something in the picnic basket, and while his back is turned the sugar bowl and the milk jug switch places. He can't seem to find what he's looking for, and when he turns back towards Joyce he says, "Have you seen a... I thought I left the sugar bowl over there."
Joyce just shrugs her shoulders, and Alan looks in the basket again. The jam runs away. The teapot thinks he's wearing his Batman costume, and he tries to fly after the jam to stop it, but the teapot remains completely still.
Alan has found what he's looking for. He opens a small box and there's a diamond ring inside. "Joyce," he says, "I've known you for a long time now, and... Where's the jam?"
"Why don't we just face in this direction."
They turn away from the picnic and Alan says, "I've known you for a long time now, and I've never known anyone else like you. If I were a paperclip..."
The jam has met two cows in a field. He's looking back and forth between them, trying to figure out what they're saying to each other.
Back at the picnic, Alan and Joyce are kissing under a tree. The teapot hasn't moved in the past half hour. The milk has fallen over and the butter is trying to frighten the sugar bowl.
Teapot: No wait, I'm thinking of Superman.
The Tree and the Horse
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises
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|very slight stories||
They Met a Bear
They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."
The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.
One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
Eight nine ten.
Debbie and his dog
Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
"Is your dog my parole officer?"
She was sick of people asking her that too.
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