|Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.||
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
It's three o' clock on a July day and there isn't a cloud in the sky. Barry is standing near the kitchen sink with a jug of water in one hand and a bottle of white spirits in the other. He pours the water into a glass and he pours the white spirits into a jam jar. He looks closely at the jar as he pours the white spirits and he stops when it's at the same level as the water. He looks at both of them for a while, then he pours a little bit more water.
Water: I'm taller than you.
Barry pours more white spirits into the jam jar.
White Spirits: You're taller than me, are you? Well that's odd because I'm looking down on you.
Barry pours more water.
Water: Ha! I'm looking down on you now.
He pours some more white spirits.
White Spirits: Oh so you're looking down on me, are you? Well then I suppose I'll have to look up to see you. Hm, that's odd. I can't see you at all. I suppose I'll have to try looking down. Ha!
Barry pours the water again.
Water: How can you be looking down on me if I'm looking down on you?
He pours some more white spirits.
White Spirits: I don't know what you're looking down on because I'm looking down on you.
Water: They just use you to clean paint brushes.
White Spirits: They use you to wash the dog so he doesn't have to lick himself.
Barry pours the water.
Water: Ha! Now I'm definitely looking down on you. From up here I can see that they've just been painting the... bucket. The one the cat sleeps in. And they're going to use you to clean the brushes.
Barry pours a little bit more white spirits.
White Spirits: That's odd. I'm higher than you now and I can't see that at all.
He pours the water.
Water: Yeah well I don't know what you're looking at if you think you're higher than me.
Barry's mother comes into the kitchen and says to him, "Why are you pouring white spirits into a jam jar?"
"Just for something to do."
"Put it back in the bottle."
Barry starts pouring the white spirits back in the bottle and his mother says, "There are plenty things to be done. The dog needs to be washed."
White Spirits: From where I am I can see the dog, and I think he's just been swimming in the pond and running through the fields. He's been trying to marry the flowerbeds again too.
The Tree and the Horse
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises
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|very slight stories||
They Met a Bear
They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."
The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.
One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
Eight nine ten.
Debbie and his dog
Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
"Is your dog my parole officer?"
She was sick of people asking her that too.
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