|Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.||
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Hal stands in the back garden, looking at the parallel lines around his head. A bird with a beard is perched on the back of a chair. The bird sees numbers floating around its head. The numbers aren't as clear in winter, but it's the middle of summer now, and the bird spends hours every day looking at the bright numbers all around its head.
Isobel says to Hal, "How much do you think a bucket of water would weigh?"
He looks at the bird's numbers, but the bird doesn't like anyone else reading them. It glares at Hal until he looks away. He takes a guess at the answer. "Twenty pounds."
A few minutes later, Isobel says to the bird, "Would you like to stand on this X over here?"
The numbers around the bird's head disappear, and they're replaced by the word 'no'. The bird wonders what this could mean. There's never been anything but numbers around its head.
Isobel gets tired of waiting for the bird to answer, so she asks Hal instead, and he says he'd love to. So he stands on the X and a bucket falls on his head. The water only spills when the bucket falls to the ground.
He staggers around the place, and he sees lots of little birds around his head. They're all looking at numbers around their heads, and he tries to read the numbers, but they don't like this either, and they attack him. Isobel applauds.
The bird with the beard is still trying to figure out the meaning of the 'no's. It looks up at the words 'No. No. No-ooooo. No.' The bird eventually comes to the conclusion that it's a sign of rain. "Yes, I would," it says to Isobel, but she's long gone now. The stars are out, and the bird is all alone in the garden.
The Tree and the Horse
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises
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|very slight stories||
They Met a Bear
They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."
The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.
One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
Eight nine ten.
Debbie and his dog
Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
"Is your dog my parole officer?"
She was sick of people asking her that too.
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