Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.

'Darcy and O'Mara' is a novel by Arthur Cronin.
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Tuesday, April 18, 2006


A Safe

   We needed some money to pay for the repairs after a slight accident with a cricket bat, so myself, Jimmy and Chadwick went to a casino. Jimmy suggested we try our luck at the roulette table because he had a system that couldn't fail.
   When we were all dressed in black, with black balaclavas, and we were in a dark room, about to break into a safe, I said to Jimmy, "So your system is basically just stealing diamonds?"
   "Basically, yeah."
   "What does that have to do with roulette?"
   "I don't know exactly. A man with a hood on his head told me about it. I didn't like to question his methods. He also said something about 'the four walls full of tears'. I definitely didn't want to question him about that."
   We went to see this man. He was hammering a wheel when we arrived. We asked about his system and he said, "I'll say just one thing to ye. You can stand in the woods in the blackest night, and words will fail you then. And what will you have then? You'll have a memory of what you had before the dark clouds came your way."
   None of us wanted to ask about that. We went back to the safe, but we didn't know how to open the thing. We spent a long time just looking at it.
   Chadwick said, "'The' is a fine word. It's much better than 'a'. 'A' doesn't know what it's doing. 'A' would be the police scratching their heads at a crime scene, wondering who could have carried it out, and 'the' would be Superman or James Bond who arrive on the scene, solve the crime and calmly deal with the villain, using a toothpick to get out of a tricky situation."
   We looked at the safe again. "Okay, the safe," I said.
   Jimmy finished his Martini, put out his cigarette, made sure his gun was in the inside pocket of his white dinner jacket, straightened his tie, and ran screaming into the wall. He lay motionless on the ground. We poked him with a stick, but he didn't move for about an hour.

The Tree and the Horse
Henry Seaward-Shannon
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises




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very slight stories

They Met a Bear
  They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
  This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
  So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."

The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
  A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.

  One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
  Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
  But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
  Eight nine ten.

Debbie and his dog
  Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
  "Is your dog my parole officer?"
  She was sick of people asking her that too.

Very Slight Stories: like short stories, only shorter

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