|Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.||
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Claudia fell in love with a chef who was made out of water, and she was going to get a wolf to do something while she let her hair out to play, but she forgot about that as she watched her hair. She wrote a murder mystery with her fingernails. That's what she was going to get the wolf to do.
She needed to base the murder mystery on real events if her finger nails were going to write it. She used friends as characters, and she got them to wear paper bags over their heads to make it more difficult to identify the murderer. But the events they created were hardly worth mentioning, nothing that could lead to a murder.
They started drawing on each other's bags, which made it very easy to identify them. One of them drew a crown, and that's what gave them the idea of making themselves into chess pieces. Claudia got the idea of getting opponents with white paper bags to create tension. Chess involved knocking off opponents, which was ideal for her murder mystery.
As she went looking for their opposition, the brown paper side went to the beach, wearing their light blue brains for the day. They forgot who they were supposed to be, and they had to take the bags off to remember who the others were. They wrote breezy, blue September days onto their light blue brains, and Claudia or her fingernails still hadn't managed to write anything.
The chef found a piece of string on the ground and he followed it. He trickled slowly over the concrete next to the string. The string turned out to be an exceptionally long shoe lace, and it disappeared into a shoe. It came out the other side, where he picked up the trail again. It entered another shoe, and it came out on the other side of that. He followed the string again, and he met a woman called Kate who was taking her shoes for a walk. Kate and her twin sister light candles at various points in their history, and they often light candles at similar points, even when they're in different places. She lit a candle when she met the chef, and she loved the reflection of the flame on his surface. The chef thought she was much more romantic than Claudia, who just liked to look at the reflection of yellow and black road signs on his surface.
Claudia went to see a friend of hers who has some geese. The geese say, "I'm growing," and then they strain as hard as they can to show you that they're growing. They never think of saying, "I'm talking." You just have to nod and say, "Yes, you're growing."
She decided to use the geese as the opposing chess pieces. They didn't even need bags because they all look alike. She brought the brown paper side to the geese, and she tried to get them to fight, but the geese just tried to grow. The others had lost their bags on the breeze.
Claudia left them and followed the trail of candles as daylight faded, and she was shocked to see the chef with Kate at the end of the trail, but then she came up with an idea for the murder mystery. She'd just light candles at lots of different points in the story to light up the uneventful events. There wasn't a murder in it. There would have been if she'd asked the wolf to do it, especially if the geese were involved.
The chef was disappointed with her lack of interest in what he was doing with another woman at the end of a trail of candles, but Kate left because she wanted to see if her sister had lit candles in similar places. He was glad to have Claudia then. When he thought about it, he could see a certain romance to watching the reflection of road signs in water.
The Tree and the Horse
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises
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|very slight stories||
They Met a Bear
They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."
The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.
One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
Eight nine ten.
Debbie and his dog
Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
"Is your dog my parole officer?"
She was sick of people asking her that too.
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