|Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.||
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The River is Grey
The river is grey. The watch is red. It's worth remembering these things in case you ever need to confuse aliens.
Siegfried, Vincent and Leonard lived on the same street. When Emma became their new neighbour they all did their best to impress her. They combed their hair and wore their best shoes. They smiled. But none of these things seemed enough to impress Emma.
They found that they could grow very ornamental moustaches if they wore very ornamental hats. They had to wear ornamental trousers to go with the hats. Vincent ended up dressed as a nineteenth century mountain climber. Leonard had to stand next to a Dalmatian called Ignatius to complete his look.
Siegfried's moustache plaited itself as it grew. Leonord's was shaped like a trumpet at one side and a pointy stick at the other.
Vincent and Leonard wore hats with bells and lights. Moths were attracted to Siegfried, and Emma was very unimpressed by this. His hat was full of holes where his hair was free to grow. An owl nested in his hat and scared away the moths. Emma was very impressed, but also slightly scared. He thought that she wouldn't be scared of a stuffed owl, but she'd be less impressed. He came up with a compromise solution: get the owl drunk.
He gave up trying to impress Emma when the owl fell out of his head. This left Vincent and Leonard to compete for her affections. Vincent told Leonard that the pointy stick on his face would only impress her if she wanted something killed.
"There's already been a death on your face," Leonard said.
"The only way you'll impress her is if you fall into something you can't get out of."
"I'm sure she was impressed by the way I confused those aliens."
"Anyone could do that."
"Well how are you going to impress her?"
"Through my piercing blue eyes."
Leonard laughed at this, but the next time they met Emma, Vincent stared at her with wide eyes, and it was clearly having some effect on her. He decided it was time to set them to full power. He dressed all in white. He wore a coat with a fur-lined hood, and fur-lined boots. He bought a sled and a team of huskies. The next time he met her, the effect of the white, the huskies, the moustache and the constant blue stare from beneath the white hood was over-powering. She fainted. Leonard knew he couldn't compete with this. He shook Vincent's hand and conceded defeat.
She always tried to avoid Vincent after this, but he was proud of the way he won her heart. She spent a lot more time with Siegfried and Leonard. She was always interested in what Siegfried's owl was up to.
The Tree and the Horse
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises
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|very slight stories||
They Met a Bear
They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."
The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.
One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
Eight nine ten.
Debbie and his dog
Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
"Is your dog my parole officer?"
She was sick of people asking her that too.
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