|Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.||
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Myles and Eugene
Myles and Eugene...
...both fell in love with Chloe.
Myles said to Eugene, "She'd only go out with you if she was hypnotised into thinking that you don't eat flies."
Eugene said 'plod, plod, plod' as he walked towards Myles, and then 'bangngngngng' as he hit Myles with a frying pangngngngng.
This made Myles dance.
Chloe was very impressed by the dance. She asked Myles if he'd like to meet her in the park later that evening, and he said he would. After she left, Myles and Eugene started fighting. They rolled to the bottom of a hill and when they stood up they realised they were being chased by Nazis. They had no idea why.
They ran to the top of another hill, where they met a man who worked as a question mark by standing on a boulder while wearing a curved hat.
He had a trolley to carry the boulder. Myles wanted to steal it so they could roll down the hill. He told Eugene to distract the question mark while he took it.
Eugene told the question mark about his uncle Simon's trip to Kerry. If you listen closely, you can hear Simon's liver. The question mark was so surprised that his hat straightened out, which provided an appropriate exclamation mark for the end of Eugene's story: "She told him the dog had been dead for a week."
Eugene went into the trolley with Myles and they rolled away down the hill while the question mark was still frozen in surprise. When his hat regained its curve he noticed that his trolley was missing, and he saw where it had gone. He rolled the boulder down the hill after Myles and Eugene. When they saw the boulder bearing down on them it all made perfect sense. "This is like 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'," Myles said. "That's why we're being chased by Nazis."
This put their minds at rest. They came to a halt at the bottom of the hill. The boulder rolled past them and hit a tree. The Nazis arrived shortly afterwards. They were also joined by a woman with a cat on her head. No one said anything because they couldn't make sense of the woman with the cat on her head. The man who worked as a question mark arrived and stood on his boulder, and this seemed to suggest that the situation was meant to be a mystery. This resolved the issue of the woman with the cat, and it put their minds at ease again.
The woman asked Eugene if he'd like to go out with her. He said he'd been there, done that and bought the T-shirt, but his T-shirt said he'd been to Carlow and fallen out of a tree. She said she had something else in mind for 'there' and 'that'.
Myles remembered that he was supposed to meet Chloe in the park.
In the early hours of the following morning, Eugene and the woman with the cat met a man selling T-shirts that outlined everything that had happened since they met after being chased by the Nazis, but it left out the bit about the wolf who escaped from a zoo and chased them through the woods, and the man who captured the wolf with a pineapple and a blanket.
The Tree and the Horse
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises
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|very slight stories||
They Met a Bear
They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."
The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.
One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
Eight nine ten.
Debbie and his dog
Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
"Is your dog my parole officer?"
She was sick of people asking her that too.
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