Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.

'Darcy and O'Mara' is a novel by Arthur Cronin.
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Tuesday, February 05, 2008


Mr. Kennedy Went To Clonmel

   Mr. Kennedy went to Clonmel. Mr. Kennedy came back again and said, "I'm Mr. Kennedy. Destroy! Destroy!"
   The police received many complaints about the destruction caused by Mr. Kennedy. A local man had recently made a cartoon about the police, and they started to see themselves as the cartoon characters. They stopped believing in serious crime. All violence was cartoon violence, and all destruction would be un-done in the next scene. This allowed them to stay in the station, playing cards and drinking whiskey, safe in the knowledge that Mr. Kennedy's trail of destruction would take care of itself.
   Noel and Christy decided that they needed to do something about it themselves, or get someone else to do something about it. They went to see Brady, and he came up with a potion to curtail Mr. Kennedy's destructive impulses. They were afraid that the potion would kill him, so they tested it on hamsters first. The results were inconclusive. They wasted a lot of time arguing about what to call the hamsters. They did manage to prove that a hamster won't respond to its name after five hours of being called that name by a man who drank half a bottle of whiskey and started crying when he remembered losing his virginity.
   They decided to give the potion to Mr. Kennedy anyway. They put it into a pint of stout, and they gave the pint to Mr. Kennedy. The potion had an immediate effect. He no longer felt a need to destroy everything in his path, but one of the side effects was that he fell in love with every woman he saw, and many of them fell in love with him. The result of this was that many husbands and boyfriends wanted to destroy him. Noel and Christy went to see Brady again, and they asked if he could come up with another potion to help Mr. Kennedy, but they ended up performing pointless experiments on hamsters.
   Mr. Kennedy went to Clonmel. Mr. Kennedy came back wearing a fake beard and he said, "Mr. Kennedy is dead. I'm Mr. Allen." It didn't take long for all the husbands and boyfriends to develop a hatred of Mr. Allen, so he had to go to Clonmel too.

The Tree and the Horse
Henry Seaward-Shannon
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises




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very slight stories

They Met a Bear
  They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
  This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
  So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."

The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
  A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.

  One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
  Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
  But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
  Eight nine ten.

Debbie and his dog
  Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
  "Is your dog my parole officer?"
  She was sick of people asking her that too.

Very Slight Stories: like short stories, only shorter

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