She doesn't think seventeen is too young to have a baby. I just turned nineteen and I know how young seventeen is. Yes, she'll be eighteen in July, as she keeps saying, and then... She just makes a vague gesture after 'and then'. And then she says she really, really, really needs a cigarette. She says that after everything she says. After saying 'I really, really, really need a cigarette' she says 'I mean really'. She isn't as bothered about this as she should be. The only time she got upset was when I asked if she was sure I was the father. What else was I supposed to say? When my mother told my father she was having me he said 'Good for you' and she went mental, so it doesn't really matter what you say. When I told Alex about it he said, "I hope it turns out to be Satan. That it really is Satan. Or Satan's son. Can you imagine if it was Satan? Or Satan's son." I should have said that to her.
   When she told her parents her mother said, "Please tell me this is a joke." It was a fair response, because it's the sort of thing she'd joke about. She once told them she had fallen in love with the Latvian woman who works in the laundrette. But she wasn't joking about being pregnant. She said, "No, this one is fairly real alright. Oh God no! I'm going to have to give up cigarettes!"
   I was there. Eyes burnt holes through my head. I haven't been right since. Her father said nothing, which was unusual for him. Normally he can't stop talking, rambling on about trivial things. If she had said, "I'm thinking of buying a lawnmower," he'd still be talking now. But he was out of his depth with the pregnancy. I think he spent a lot of time staring at the ground, scratching the back of his neck. That's what I was doing. I thought he'd wait until I had gone before letting the flood of words out. I asked her what he said about it and she said, "Not much. God, if I have to wait until it's nearly October before I have a cigarette I'm going to have to kill someone."
   I still haven't told my parents. I hope they laugh. I'd laugh if I was in their shoes. I'd say, "You! A father! You can't even open a wine bottle." I would be able to open a wine bottle if I did it on a regular basis, but I only tried to do it once and my aunt stepped in and did it for me because she likes stepping in and doing things properly to make you feel as if there's something wrong with you. I can't wait to tell her I'm going to be a father. In fact, I might just tell her first, and act is if everyone is doing it these days. Obviously she'll think there's something wrong with me, but if I just act as if I think there's nothing wrong with being a father at my age she'll be confused. She wouldn't know what to say. I could ask her if she's feeling okay. "You should sit down and have a glass of wine, Auntie June."
   I haven't decided what I'm going to say to my parents. I could pretend it was all planned, that I've been considering this for a while now and I thought it was about time I grew up, moved on from childhood things, sample all that adult life has to offer, from being a father to building a conservatory. I'll have to take some of the posters down from my bedroom wall before I put that spin on things. I don't know if they'll believe it anyway. But I can't just say, "I'm going to be a father. What the hell am I going to do?" Or can I? Seeing as they're likely to say 'What the hell have you done?', maybe it's best to pull the pin on that grenade and throw it out the window before they get their hands on it.
   Maybe they'll be okay about it. This isn't like the time I nearly set the kitchen on fire. They were perfectly entitled to shout at me then. Looking at it through an adult's eyes, I can see how important things like kitchens and conservatories are, and I can see the value of keeping them un-burnt. Being a father is nothing like that. It's as life-affirming as writing a musical about puppies and daisies. It's the thing that will force me to grow up. I'd give up accidentally setting things on fire as quickly as Michelle gave up smoking. I'll casually tell them that I'm going to be a father and I'm thinking of buying a lawnmower as well. I can imagine my father shaking my hand, as one mature adult to another. As long as I don't lose my nerve and say 'What the hell have I done?'.