Very Slight Stories | Like short stories, only shorter.

'Darcy and O'Mara' is a novel by Arthur Cronin.
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Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Rags to Riches

   Max and Barbara were just about to go to bed on Christmas Eve when the doorbell rang. Max opened the door, but there was no one outside. A basket had been abandoned on the doorstep, and when he opened it he found a caveman sleeping inside.
   Max and Barbara brought the basket into the house and they put it near the fireplace. When the caveman woke up he was terrified at first. He grabbed a candlestick to use as a weapon, and he started eating the candle. Barbara won his trust by offering him food that tasted better than a candle. She was ready to attack him with the candlestick when he decided that the candle tasted better than her pudding, but he melted her heart when he cried tears of joy as he ate her Christmas cake. By the end of their dinner on the following day, the caveman was completely at ease with his surroundings.
   They called him Adam. They gave him a bath and a new set of clothes. They shaved his beard and they cut his hair. Barbara started teaching him how to speak and how to read. Adam was a very quick learner. He was reading novels within months, and by the summer he was more articulate than all of the neighbours, which was something he liked to boast about. This didn't go down too well amongst the neighbours. Resentment towards him was growing, and he was often getting into arguments.
   One day he got into an argument with a man known as Hog. It emanated from a discussion about global warming. Adam would have found it much easier to win the argument if Hog had known what they were arguing about. It wasn't long before their argument descended into a fight, and their fight soon descended into a political rally. Adam made an impassioned speech in favour of global warming. Or maybe it was against global warming. He had achieved such a mastery of political oration that he could be passionately in favour of the thing he was fervently against.
   An election was called. These are some of the election posters:

   Adam won the election, thanks largely to his skill as an orator. He fulfilled his duties to the best of his ability. No one could deny that he was an effective leader, but he still managed to make enemies, partly because of his habit of boasting about his talents and partly because of his inability to understand how money worked. He paid for everything in pigeons. These pigeons were pets, but some of them were dead. It can be disheartening when you're expecting payment for goods or a service you've provided and you get a box instead of money, and when you look into the box you see a dead pigeon in its pyjamas.
   His enemies came up with a plan to bring him down. They hired actors to pose as wealthy businessmen. These actors met Adam, and he agreed to take some very well-dressed pigeons in exchange for political favours. The meeting was secretly filmed. Adam's enemies promised him that the film would remain a secret if he resigned, and he agreed.
   An election was held to find Adam's replacement, and Hog won, but he was completely out of his depth. He needed help, so he made peace with Adam (he held out an olive branch in the form of a Christmas cake). Hog hired his former adversary as an advisor. He paid Adam in pigeons. It worked out for the best for both of them. Hog had a seemingly limitless supply of dead pigeons, and for Adam it was a very well-paid job.

The Tree and the Horse
Henry Seaward-Shannon
A Walk in the Rain
The East Cork Patents Office
Words are my favourite noises




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very slight stories

They Met a Bear
  They stopped in a small seaside town and they went for a walk. They met a bear.
  This is one version of the story. In another version, they met a sailor, and in this one they ended up being held at gunpoint on a speedboat and becoming unwilling participants in a diamond robbery while disguised as a cow, and sharing in the proceeds of that crime.
  So when they tell the story they just say, "We met a bear. He waved at us."

The Story of the Fortune Teller and the Alarm Clock
  A fortune teller threw an alarm clock at me. This story is deliberately lacking in details to mock the predictions of the fortune teller. Although she was right when she said she'd throw an alarm clock at me.

  One. Two. Three, the study. Four, a candle stick. Five. Six...
  Seven is missing, presumed dead. One has taken up the case, and two is helping him in his investigations. They both suspect six. Seven was last seen next to six in the garden.
  But seven isn't really dead. He's consumed half a bottle of whiskey and he's currently in the orchard, talking to a rabbit. "One of us is as boring as a gate post," he says, "and it's not..." He stops to count on his fingers. "No, actually it is me."
  Eight nine ten.

Debbie and his dog
  Debbie was sick of people mistaking her for a man.
  "Is your dog my parole officer?"
  She was sick of people asking her that too.

Very Slight Stories: like short stories, only shorter

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